By: Pop-Up Sprinkler

IRVINE, CALIFORNIA May 6, 2007: Less than a month since a handful of knock-about blokes met for the first time to form newest team in US Footy, the Beachside Sharks, they have now trounced highly fancied Southern California Australian Football League stalwarts, the OC Bombers.

Even from early Sunday morning, there was a sense of something different in the air. Players arriving at the ground for pre-match preparations were greeted by a somewhat ambivalent squad of well matured cheerleaders. Initially reported to be a group of Chris “Macca” McNeil’s girlfriends, it was revealed later in the day that the soft-shoe-shuffling seniors adorned in figure-hugging gold and black leotards, were actually far younger than Macca, and may in fact have been a gaggle of his illegitimate children.

Following a search for a new ground presenting less risk of paternity suits against the aging patriarch of the SCAFL, the newly-formed Beachside Sharks donned the blue and white against the Orange County Bombers, for a rematch of their Round One clash, in which the Bombers treated the Sharks to a one hundred point thumping in atrocious conditions at some sheep-paddock just this side of the Nevada state border.

It was evident from the first bounce of this Round Four contest however, that the tide had turned for the Beachside Sharks. With a stiff breeze at their backs, the Sharks made their lack of height their advantage, by attacking hard and contesting every loose ball. Freddy “Put you shirt back on, you’re embarrassing the rest of us” Shulin was everywhere, and Pauly “Get a haircut and get a real job” Lindley provided a consistent, if somewhat vertically challenged, focal up front and was well supported by Jason “i-Pod” Bottrell, who lived up to his nickname by being everywhere, and gathering plenty of touches when the ball hit the turf. Chris “Get the %&^# out of my way” Olsen crashed through everything and everybody, establishing a much needed physical presence for the competition bantamweights. By the end of the first quarter, the Sharks persistence and hard chasing had paid off, with the team gathering at the break a couple of goals in front. There was no laurel resting to be done however as coach Johnny “Scurvy Dog” Fragomeni, reminded the team that all lot of ball had been won, but too much wasted…..and that he expected an improvement in the second term.

The second quarter saw a valiant and anticipated return of OC Bombers’ early-season form. The OC’s Kelly worked beautifully with Mulcahy, out of the middle, advancing the ball to Seagull (the Bombers player formerly known as Spider), who swooped on every easy ball like it was a hot chip on a park bench, and he quickly racked up a few easy goals while the rest of his Bomber team mates were putting in the hard yards further down the ground. The Sharks kicked up a gear and gave everything at staving off the Bomber surge; Nick “I’m not Benny’s brother” Elias picked up the tireless Kelly and soon restored order to the middle of the ground; and Olsen continued to inflict solid hits that made several of the OC Bombers’ wives wince in horror (or delight, depending on the current state of their marriage).

By the big break, the Bombers had claimed the lead by a goal or two, but with the wind dying by the start of the third quarter, the Sharks were renewed in their desire for the ball, and their desire for the win. The Bombers posted another goal within seconds of the opening bounce of the third quarter, but the Sharks knew that they had the right team plan to carve out a victory. The third quarter is often touted as the Premiership Quarter, and it was in this 15-minute period that the Beachside Sharks staked their claim for the 2007 SCAFL premiership. Craig “My nickname sucks” Thwaites was full of run despite a serious injury that he’d been faking for the entire game; Adam “Geez, I didn’t realize that they made kegs that big” Howarth proved particularly difficult for the OC forwards to run around (although several in the crowd noted that not even the irrepressible Freddy “Fast and Furious” Shulin is fit enough to run around the Howarth’s impressive girth). Playing in just his second game, Dave “Kegga should follow my diet” Bray contributed all over the ground, providing a towering target at every opportunity, and giving plenty for the Sharks crumbers to work with. Carrying on from his stella second-quarter effort, Chris “The numbers don’t go low enough for me to put my year of birth on my player profile” Olsen was solid, consistent and aggresive in the ruck and across half forward. Even Damien “the Seagull Hunter” Mills shut down the Bomber’s cherry-picking goal-sneak from the previous quarter, and contributed with a couple of blisteringly slow runs off of the half back line.

By three-quarter time, the Sharks were displaying their dominance on the score board, with a comfortable 20-odd point margin, and they returned to the paddock for the final quarter ready to shut the Bombers out of the game.

The final quarter began as the third had ended, with attacking run from the Sharks and tight, congesting defense, especially by the Sharks small men (i.e. everybody). Freddy “the Whirling Dervish” Shulin continued to carve up the Bombers and Paul “222 to 65” Lindley led strong and hard from the goal square. Nick “Have Tourist Visa, Will Work” Elias seemed to have tied the ball to string at three-quarter time, because it followed him everywhere on the field, Craig “My nickname still sucks” Thwaites and Jason “Fraggers only has ears for me” Bottrell continued to rack up the stats. All seemed to be going well for John “Sheedy” Fragomeni’s lads, except for the fact that the OC Bombers had not subscribed to the Sharks plan. The Bombers, reunited to show that they would not be walked over by the competition new-comers, and the OC boys charged home hard in the second half of the term, racking up a couple of quick goals late in the quarter, bringing the score to within six points with just a few minutes to play, and the game to a nail-biting close.

Then, with less than three minutes to go, the OC’s Chris “Choker” McNeil had the chance to level the scores when the Sharks kicked the ball out on the full from their defensive goal square (the offending Shark shall remain unnamed by prerogative of this reporter). The Sharks future however could not be in safer hands, and Choker McNeil managed a deft kick across the face of goal, allowing the Sharks to swoop, and run the ball the length of the field to score the game-clenching goal.
Victorious Sharks coach, John “Does this mean I can hang up my boots” Fragomeni said at the post-match press conference that the win signified emergence of a new SoCal Footy powerhouse.

“This win signifies emergence of a new SoCal Footy powerhouse,” he said.

“We’re a bit like the team that nobody wanted”, he continued. “We’re the under dogs, mate. We’re punching well above our weight, and proving that we’re a tough, hard footy team”

"We all know this game is played with one ball.....but I suggest that when you play the Sharks from now on, you’d better bring two".

Is Fragmomeni right? Only time will tell. But say what you may about the Beachside Sharks in season 2007, there’s not a Cooper’s Ale retailer in Southern California that isn’t looking forward to the boys dropping in for a well earned beer this season.